Yesterday I drove out to visit Nita! Finally! After planning on meeting her for lunch lo, so many times! And I took all sorts of nifty pictures that I cannot share with you right now because I cannot find my USB cable to get the pictures off my camera. I also cannot seem to find a contraction to save my life, but that is the way things go sometimes.
So instead of telling you what actually happened I am going to share a few versions of what happened. At some later time I will share pictures. For now, you will pick your favorite version of events and assume that is what actually happened.
1. I drive out to Nita's town on a beautiful sunny day, going about 90 in my hott little car and listening to the Pixies at top volume. On the way, I pass a cute guy in a beat-up black pick-up truck with a Pixies bumper sticker on the back and flash him the horns and give him the tongue as I holler melodiously along to Broken Face. He looks bewildered; but he smiles and pulls over and we make out in the breakdown lane. When I get to Nita's house a little later she is dressed in a black leather jumpsuit and dancing around the house with Rio to Whitesnake. I join in, and we forget about lunch.
2. I get to Nita's house bang on the nose at one o'clock, feeling pretty good about myself, my life, and my car. Then she comes running out of the house to meet me in the driveway, and I realize she is the cutest person ever in the whole entire universe; I spend the rest of the visit wondering how much plastic surgery it would take to make me that damn cute.
3. I meet the adorable, brilliant and charming Rio and within 30 seconds she is sobbing hysterically due to her previous non-exposure to such a person as myself who is utterly lacking in cuteness. Because of her mother's somewhat alarming levels of cuteness, the bar has been set high for her and she is understandably shocked at my appearance. As the huge tears roll down her face, I try to make friends with the dogs, one of whom is later revealed to have been only pretending to like me until he could get me in a more vulnerable position; thirty stitches are later involved, but I won't say who inflicted them on whom, pending litigation.
4. Rio eventually warms up to me and introduces me to her fleet of finger puppets. Surreptitiously she is signing to Nita "WTF with the non-cute friend MF"; I do not let on that I know sign language.
Did you figure out the trick? Everything up to the semicolon in each version is TRUE. Everything after the ";" is a LIE. If you figured it out then send me your name and address and five dollars; I will send you a secret decoder ring if you do.
I will post pictures as soon as I find the damn cable. Apparently Nita is going to regale you with her version on her site shortly; however everyone knows she is a compulsive liar and you should not believe a word she says.